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ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME
DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ITSELF
Star Fleet Strictly Forbids Meddling, But Christ, 
Just Look at the Place 

In Stationary Orbit (SatireWire.com) — Disturbed by ruthless
terrorist attacks and talk of war, the crew of the starship 
Enterprise, which has been stealthily orbiting Earth since 
August, is reportedly torn over whether to violate Star Fleet's 
Prime Directive and intervene in Earth affairs, or gather for 
drinks in the forward observation lounge and watch the planet go 
to shit. 

  
According to Enterprise Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, the crew is 
evenly split between Earth-born personnel who believe they have 
an obligation to quell the recent violence and bring lasting 
peace to their home world, and non-Earth-born personnel, who point 
out that Picard didn't lift a finger when Boral II self-destructed, 
so what's so special about this place? 

"Hey, we let most of the Boralans die. We wouldn't help the Klingon's
in their civil war. What's the big deal here?" said Guinan, the ship's 
lounge hostess and a native of El-Auria. "Besides, every time we do 
intervene, we leave the inhabitants more screwed up than they were 
before." 

"How could we possibly make the people on this planet more screwed up?" 
countered Earth-born First Officer Will Riker. "They think golf is 
a sport!" 

According to the Prime Directive, "the right of each sentient species 
to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution 
is considered sacred, and no Star Fleet personnel may interfere with 
the healthy development of alien life and culture." While officers are 
honor-bound to uphold it, Earth-born Ensign Wesley Crusher argued the 
Enterprise has broken the rules before. 

"Gee, this could be just like Episode 141, where Data tries to save the 
life of that little girl whose planet is gonna blow up, or Episode 109, 
where Capt. Picard interfered to save my life because I broke one of the 
Edo's laws," said Crusher. "I mean, look, it's really cool to sit up here 
in our sexless spandex uniforms, downing Klavorian Synth-Ale and pretending 
we're not all running the Caligula program on the Holodeck, but the people 
of Earth are gearing up to, like, kill each other. 

"I know we're not supposed to mess with the 'healthy development' of other 
cultures,' but this is not fuckin' healthy," he added. 

"I disagree," answered Lt. Cmdr. Worf, a Klingon. "I am not of Earth, but 
some differences can only be solved through violence. Truly, I fail to 
understand why the humans from this planet's Western Hemisphere have not 
already attacked the humans from the Eastern Hemisphere. Or perhaps I have 
that backwards. This planet keeps spinning in an annoying way." 

"Exactly, Mr. Worf," said Earth-born Capt. Picard. "It is ever-changing. 
East becomes West, West becomes East, right becomes wrong. We should be 
patient. After all, on whose behalf do we intercede?" 

"God, you are so French," mumbled Riker. 

"I say we... we attack them all!" said Worf. "This way there is no confusion." 

"Dude, are you sure you're not from Earth?" asked Crusher. 

At press time, Capt. Picard had yet to make a decision, but he is expected 
to rely heavily on ship's counselor Deanna Troi, a telepathic Betazoid 
who said the planet below was a roiling sea of emotions. "I sense great 
hostility, fear and sadness among the people," she announced. "But I also 
sense something else, something even stronger. It is... It is..." 

"Love?" interrupted the android, Cmdr. Data. 

"No, it is relief. There is widespread relief that there now may be no more 
Die Hard movies." 

Copyright © 2001, SatireWire.

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